Grandpa

My apologies to Max for not continuing the story that she tagged me for. This hasn't been one of the better weeks I've had in a while, so I haven't really been on here...

My grandfather was diagnosed with throat cancer. It does not look good. We will find out Friday whether or not it is treatable and even if it is, there is some question as to whether grandpa will take the treatments. He has already said he does not want chemo. I have, for the most part, not dealt with this. As a matter of fact, since I found out, I don't think I've dealt with anything. I kind of feel like I'm in limbo just working really hard not to feel....well, anything. I realize this is not going to work for long, but I figure I really can't deal with it until we find out about treatment anyway.
This whole thing has lead me to think a LOT about why it upsets us so much when we lose our loved ones. Obviously, we miss them. Whether he goes soon or lasts another twenty years I will miss him terribly. But, in cases like this, when the person has lived a full life and when it has been especially rich - as his has, we can't really feel so bad about it, right? I have come to the conclusion that it is the shift. Just the general upheaval of the world. If I lose my grandpa, I lose part of my history. A big part of it.
When my mom had me, we still lived with my grandparents and continued to do so until I was almost 5 years old. As a result, my grandparents were very much like parents to me and still are to this day. It was about 3 months before I turned 5 when we finally moved out of their house and we weren't just moving across town. We were moving 200 miles away. To a very young child, we might as well have been moving to foreign country. I remember sobbing and begging my mother not to make me go.
My grandpa witnessed all of those first years of mine. He knows all of the stories about me, remembers what I looked like, my first steps, the funny mishaps. Hundreds of stories I don't even know about my own childhood, he knows. That history will be lost. Everything will shift. When my grandparents are gone, my mother and dad take on their role, I take on my folks and my son takes on mine. Everything shifts. I don't like it.
I was fortunate enough to have known my grandpa's mom and dad (my great-grandparents). I am fortunate that I am a part of this whole family. What a group! Everyone's a jokester, a practical joke player, everyone laughs like a maniac, plays like a kid, respects the land, loves the animals, enjoys the company of their family. It's such a huge part of who I am. I honestly don't know how I will wake up everyday, when the time comes, and live with the fact that grandpa is not right down the road, watching tv or feeding his cattle or playing with his dog.
I guess when the time comes, and hopefully that will be no time soon, I will just deal with it.
But, if you read this, pray to whoever you pray to for us.